“AXIS OF EVIL” ESSAY I: ISLAM

“There is no terror threat in this country. This is a lie. It’s the biggest lie we have been told. And it was a lie told in service of stirring up Americans to accept a new Crusade. A Crusade sponsored and led by Christian theocrats who were working to take control of this country, institute Biblical law, and use America’s immense might to launch their mission on a global scale.”-Michael Moore, certified lunatic”

“We have ruled the world before, and by Allah, the day will come when we will rule the entire world again. The day will come when we will rule America. The day will come when we will rule Britain and the entire world, except for the Jews. The Jews will not enjoy a life of tranquility under our rule, because they are treacherous by nature, as they have been throughout history. The day will come when everything will be relieved of the Jews – even the stones and trees which were harmed by them. Listen to the Prophet Muhammad, who tells you about the evil end that awaits Jews. The stones and trees will want the Muslims to finish off every Jew.” -Radical Islamist Sheik Ibrahim Mudeiris proving that Michael Moore is a lunatic.

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HEAVY METAL’S GOLDEN GOOSE….COOKED!! By the Ku Klux Klan

Its now official, the proverbial goose that laid the golden eggs for heavy metal’s glory years is now dead. Murdered by the narrow minded bigotry of those who claim to love the genre the most. The pursuit of “metal purity” that began in earnest in the wake of grunge’s successful overthrow of the “Hollywood Hair Metal Club,” is now complete. As with all puritanical cleansings that came along, heavy metal’s pious arbiters of purity have killed the genre in the name of “true metal.”

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Published in: on April 1, 2007 at 12:57 am  Comments (2)  
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THE ROCK AND ROLL HALL OF SHAM

“Kiss is not a great band, Kiss was never a great band, Kiss never will be a great band, and I have done my share to keep them off the ballot.” Dave Marsh; Rock and Roll Hall Of Fame historian and pompous ass.

Another year, another induction ceremony for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Another opportunity to deride KISS by refusing to even nominate them for this fraternity of Rock and Roll elitism. Yet again the most popular and influential band not already in the hall has been passed over for reasons that actually reinforce the validity of their claim to join the status of the so called “rock elite.”

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THE MASTODON CONSPIRACY

I read too much. It’s true, and believe it or not, it’s not all history or conspiracy related. Every month I go to the bookstores in Montgomery and grab a stack of magazines. Most, but not all, are music related magazines. There are the obvious ones you would probably expect me to read like Brave Words & Bloody Knuckles and Metal Hammer etc. that mostly cater to hard rock and heavy metal, but I also read the ones that hover more in the mainstream like Revolver, Uncut and Rolling Stone. Between these magazines and music websites from all over the world, I find myself reading hundreds, maybe even thousands, of reviews of new records every month. Reading record reviews is something I have enjoyed my entire life. Of course I don’t buy most of these records. No one could. But I do find the various opinions offered on a plethora of artists and musical styles amusing. It has always led to the discovery of new and interesting music.

There doesn’t appear to be any discernable patterns as to what constitutes a “good” record. All too often two records that are remarkably similar will get remarkably different opinions from the same reviewer. Likewise no two music critics see things the same way. You can always find someone who loathes what someone else loves. It is from this volumous reading of reviews that I have, in fact, discovered a disturbing conspiracy being perpetrated against fans of heavy metal all over the world. The evidence is unmistakeable and having unraveled this monstrosity I cannot avoid the inevitable conclusion: Mastodon is the worst heavy metal band EVER and their new CD “Blood Mountain” is the worst record ever made.

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HEAVY METAL: UNDERGROUND OR FRATERNITY

A lot has been written, primarily over the internet but also through many traditional and independent publications, regarding heavy metal as an “underground” music genre.. To be sure it no longer holds a dominant status in the sales figures of major record labels, nor does it dominate the touring market as it once did in it’s 80’s heyday. The question I present is: How did it come to this? At one time metal music was a prominent, even dominant, commercial force.. It is the opinion of this writer that it boils down to two factors: definition and fraternity.

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Published in: on November 5, 2005 at 9:48 pm  Leave a Comment  
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